this past few months, i really had a struggle on the things that God was telling me, and i have to gather up all my strength to tell you this things.it's not easy...but it's the only way i know to make it somehow easy for me to bear and this can be a help too....

Pride. it was eating me up. i dont want to ask other people for help because i dont want them to think that i'm not strong, that i'm not able to do it my way. but i guess they were right. i never could go on this alone. i need someone to listen. maybe i'm just so tired of talking a lot and not really communicating to people. it's time for me to open up my heart for those people who really want to see the real me. sometimes we all need to be broken by God just to realize that we are not alone. that pride also hindered me from pursuing what God was telling me. He was offering me a chance that somehow could change my life but i almost say no to that offer because of that pride. I wrestled with God. but He won, and i'm glad He did.He wants all the best for me....and i forgot about that. He's character, my identity.

He really wants the best for us...that is why i'm hurting. it's my fault why i feel this way. i allowed myself to be eaten by this emotion, i listened to those sweet words and shut my ears to things which i dont want to hear. i've allowed myself to be controlled by this feeling (if you think that i'm talking about love life, well there's more than that....). self pity was my friend and compromising was my adviser. i let those emotion dictate what i should do with my life....i was totally broken because i settled for second bests in my life not knowing that the best are yet to come. maybe i wan't secure of my future with God....then He showed me who He really is. just like the story of Moses, he thought of himself as nothing and can't be use by God. But God showed Him who He really is. That even a simple human being, a bad speaker, a coward, a complainer, He proved to Moses that He can use Him if he allowed him to. it wasn't easy for Moses to even believe in what God was saying,it sounds so imposible....but God is the God of impossible things.He used Moses to free the israelites, to divide the red sea and God even provide for their daily needs.what i'm trying to say is that sometimes what life bringsa us seems so impossible and it seems like we can't do the job that God is giving us. but it's not about us, it was never about us. it's all about God. He allowed to let things happen for us to see His power, His glory, His riches.we get hurt because we don't listen and we try to do things our way....but let us try to listen...maybe it will lessen the pain, the hurt, and the tears.